There are a few things you can do with that number that you see up there. You can let it define you and have it take over your life, toss it out the window and don’t even think about it or use it for motivation. I try to use it for the latter. I currently weigh one hundred and sixty two pounds. Yeah, I said it, ain’t no shame in my game. I have accepted that number and I am proud of it. I worked very hard to get down to those digits. Are there days that I get down on myself and let this number get to me? You bet your ass I do, who doesn’t sit and dwell on their weight? It’s a natural thing to do, everyone at some point does it. What I have had to learn though is to love those numbers and embrace them. I have to remind myself that my journey did not start at 162, it started at 205! You read that right, 205 lbs baby! When I saw those numbers on the scale I almost cried. How could I have let myself go like that? Well, I went through depression.
Kenny and I weren’t going through the honeymoon stage anymore, we were incredibly unhappy. Then, I got what should’ve been the best news I ever would hear in my life, I was pregnant. Instead of being overjoyed and excited, I got scared and more depressed. I was going to bring this human into an atmosphere I was unsure about. Two months into the pregnancy Hyperemesis Gravidarium kicked in. I couldn’t eat, couldn’t sleep, all I did was vomit…for hours. It was a constant battle to get the Doctors to prescribe me medication. They didn’t believe me that I had HG and would just send me home with 10 days worth of Zofran for the nausea. Yeah, you know what happened on the 11th day? Yup, more vomiting for 6 plus hours. Day 12 I was always back at Sonoma Valley Hospital hooked up to IV’s for hours. It took five months for vomiting and losing 20 pounds for the doctor to realize that I wasn’t doing this to myself. Finally they saw that I needed something to put the vomiting and nausea at bay so I could get healthy for myself and Aurora.
But, my depression was getting worse.
November 3rd, 2011, the day my life changed. Holding Aurora for the first time was incredibly hard, we truly didn’t bond nor did I feel that connection with her until later in the night at the hospital when it literally was just me and her, no one else. I just stared at my daughter and held on to her tight and fell in love. I dropped the pregnancy weight pretty quick. But, my depression was still hanging out and I just ate and I just gained more and more weight. But, I didn’t see what I was doing to myself. I was trying to be positive for Aurora and trying to fix my marriage at the same time. I wasn’t focusing on myself and I didn’t realize how bad it was all getting until I saw a picture of Jenn, Andrew and myself at Town Square about to take shots for Jenns birthday. Then I quickly looked back at other pictures, I was horrified. The next morning I weighed myself, two hundred and five pounds. That scared the shit out of me. My pre-pregnancy weight/the highest I had ever weighed was 180.
I started eating better, going on hikes with Aurora. I wanted to start slow and, well, I was scared to go to the gym. All I could think was that I was going to be the fat kid, barely able to get through a mile run and not be able to lift weights. So I avoided the gym. It was working, but not at the pace I wanted it to and I still wasn’t putting 100% focus on me. I finally joined the gym towards the end of 2012 and that was huge game changer. I loved my hikes with Aurora, that was a great bonding time for her and I. But, a whole hour to myself to run or lift weights gave me a huge boost of energy and reassurance. I hated to do things on my own and that’s what was so great about it. I was forced to figure out the machines and my new workout routine…on my own. I was forever changed.
Losing the first ten pounds, man, I felt on top of the world. I had been doing Paleo, which is not easy at first at least it wasn’t for me. And that was a huge part in helping me jump start my weight loss. I learned how to eat, what my body liked and didn’t like. What was actually healthy for me and learned that basically all the shit that I was just dumping into my body wasn’t good for me. I was a new woman. I was doing Zumba, in front if other people. Lauren, my zumba instructor and inspiration, added to my fire and made me more motivated. I kept shedding the pounds and learning to love my body even more. I had gone from size sixteen jeans to an eight.
2014 has proven to be another growing year for me, a lot has happened. Changes at work and within my personal life put me back in a rut. I still went to the gym to relieve stress but it wasn’t the same. In July I I stopped going altogether. (I have been incredibly lucky that the weight stayed off and I didn’t gain a pound, in fact I lost two more pounds.) Last week I started going back to the gym with a new mindset and new goals. I am slowly getting my motivation back and working on my over all happiness.
My journey to 162 has been incredible. I have learned so much and discovered a side of me that I truly never knew was there. I’m the most confident I have ever been and I love myself. The last part was really empowering to write. I Love Myself, for the first time in many years.
So please, join me on this little adventure of mine. Come into my Neverland and watch this girl dance & squat into a healthier version of herself. 162, your chapter is coming to an end and I can’t wait to see what’s in store next.