Saying goodbye. No one truly enjoys it and sometimes it can be hard. Saying good-bye to twenty-fifteen and trying to leave everything in the past has been, well, trying. Every year is a good year, there will always be ups and downs, but you have to focus on the positive. Which is what I always, always try to do, focus on the positive. I look for the best in situations and in people. That seems to be where I get myself into trouble though. Maybe trouble isn’t the best way to describe it, but it’ll do for now. I’m pretty good with good byes and “letting go”, but still each one leaves a little mark on your heart.
I had a friend and like all my friends, I want the best for them. I look for the best in anyone and want to only lift them higher. I want them to see everything I see in them. Their beauty, their strengths, even their weaknesses because we all have weaknesses and flaws. That’s what makes us all so beautiful, our flaws and imperfections. People need to learn to appreciate these things instead of being ashamed of them. But, anyways, so this particular friend, of course, was a guy. I enjoyed my time spent with him, laughing and talking, what have you. I always saw potential for the friendship to grow and it seemed like he would hold back if I got too close. Things would be good and then they’d be weird. It drove me crazy, like bat shit insane crazy. It was this back and forth thing between us that eventually led to him not wanting to lead me on and telling me twice “I deserved better”. That is such a cop out for people to say and I hate it. Who are you to decide what I deserve in this life? More than anything, to me, it meant that he wasn’t ready or in his mind, maybe, I was the one undeserving of him and his time. I couldn’t hate him for his opinion though, but it seemed more like his way of pushing me away. Cool. I get it, you get your heartbroken and it’s scary to jump into something new. But, just because one person hurt you doesn’t mean I will be the same or the situation will. This was always frustrating me, with him, that I couldn’t understand his thought process. If you’ve been hurt in the past, be open with people about it. If you’re not ready for a relationship or don’t see me in that way, then tell me. I’m not going to be mad, if anything I will be appreciative for the honesty. You just saved us both time. But, instead, people choose to avoid those conversations and drag things out. I know – it seems like I have high expectations, but damn it, why wouldn’t I? I have a daughter to think about and though I am never looking for a Dad for her, I want this person to not only be amazing in my eyes, but great in hers too. My expectations were high because I saw what this person had to offer and could give. I also saw something in them that I don’t think they saw in themselves. Long, long story short…he got his way. He pushed me away by being someone that I feel deep down into my veins, my marrow that he isn’t. I wouldn’t say this was heartbreaking for me, but more-so heartbreaking to witness. How could someone who is loved by a lot of people, and just a great guy not see that about himself? Or I could just be lying to myself to make myself feel better and maybe he is a jackass. He isn’t though and I wish that one day he does find whatever it is he is looking for and is happy. I’ve never been confident or been aware of my worth, but this situation showed me what I had to offer. I feel like I am pretty awesome person. My body is improving, it’s not perfect but I think I’ve got great curves, so whatevs. Haha. But, seriously this person, without knowing it, has taught me so many things about myself that I didn’t know. They will never know, but I am thankful for that. I am thankful for him putting me through hell sometimes and for being an asshole, and I mean that in very loving way of courseJ. I know what I want from the man I’m potentially with. I don’t want someone who will give me excuses or try to feed me beautiful words served to me on a rose-gold platter. I want honesty and someone who’s not scared to tell me how they really feel. To tell me about their fears or how they have been hurt in the past. I want the raw emotions and someone who isn’t scared of their feelings and for having feelings.
The other part of twenty-fifteen that was hard to let go was job of three and a half years. I had many wonderful memories made there and met amazing people. I have been so lucky to have walked away with those friendships. A few of us are in a group chat and it is pretty hilarious. We have shared our ups, and some downs but most importantly, laughs. It’s been a challenge to find something comparable to Viansa, but I don’t doubt something will come a long. I start school in less than a week and I wouldn’t be at this point if it wasn’t for not being at the winery anymore. I’m still bouncing back and forth between two majors, I am undecided as to where I want my education and career to take me in life. It’s a scary and exciting time. Little is making the switch into preschool from her daycare and I am so excited. My siblings and I all went to this preschool in town and my mom has taught there for forever pretty much. She will be retiring after the year so it will be fun have her last year be with Aurora. There is just so much paperwork, holy shit. I understand why the need it…but to be honest I can’t remember exactly when we started potty-training her or other things. Aurora hit big milestones on the younger side of when kids are supposed to. Guess, I’ll have to pull out those baby books I started. Key word, started. You tell me how many people you know with completed baby books before you pass judgment onto me ha-ha. I don’t even think my mom finished mine. That may be something to complete this year. Okay, maybe that’s clearly me being ambitious…never mind. Sorry Aurora!
With goodbyes, come new opportunities, new hellos and new challenges to face. With twenty-sixteen I am so excited for everything that is coming my way, goals I have for myself and things I want to accomplish. One of my dearest and best friends and I have set a pretty cool goal for us to accomplish this year and I am so, so, so excited for it! We are embarking on a 12 month journey of our beautiful valley and bay area. One new hiking trail and one new restaurant a month. 12 hikes, 12 restaurants. This makes me so happy. I am almost 27 and have been blessed to grow up in this beautiful valley with amazing food. So, it’s time to get out there explore and I am excited to have my friends at my side for the journey. I will, of course, be documenting this and telling you all about it.
Till next time! xoxo