Thoughts

I Believe in You….

I am currently sitting in Peet’s enjoying  my 35th pumpkin spice latte of the Pumpkin season (I’m guesstimating here folks). I have had no inspiration on what to write and where to go with this site or even my life (I know what you’re all thinking…that escalated quickly). So, I was on the iTunes store looking to listen to some new music while I write and sketch today, hoping for some sort of inspiration and Michael Buble’s perfectly adorable face populated on my screen. He has a new album coming out, the first track is, “I Believe in You” and now I’m crying. Thanks Michael. I think I need to go have a good cry, I’m feeling a little verklempted.

It has been well over a year since I was let-go and I’m still stuck, for lack of a better word. I’m just literally stuck, I want to go after my dreams and my wants and have taken the necessary steps. But, then I think, “Well, Brooklyn, what’s the more practical route? What is best for everyone, not just you? Don’t be selfish.” I’m terrible and refer to myself in the third person when talking to myself, so what? who cares?. I have a guilty conscience and I never want to inconvenience other people. For 27 years I have tried to do what’s better for everyone else and when I do actually say no and do what I want, people freak out. Have I really hit that point where people are so used to me being so submissive and weak that I can’t be anything but that? That’s not fair and frankly, f*** that. I’ve had great opportunities presented to me and I turn them down, because I’m too busy thinking of everyone else but myself. Of course, my daughter comes first and I am not referring to her at all in all of this. One of the best things about a young child is that you get to come home to someone who see’s no flaws and just loves you. Literally we will be watching a movie and she’ll turn to me and tell me she loves me, and then the Grinch’s heart grows by one inch. Unless, of course she doesn’t get her way, then I am Maleficent or the Evil Queen. Which, I’m fine with, I want her to know I’m there for her but to also know I am the one making the rules. Anyways, last January I went back to school and everyone was incredibly supportive which was a beautiful thing to witness, my teachers were incredible and supportive as well. I was considering a more practical major that my heart wasn’t in 100%, it was there about 65% of the time, but it wasn’t my end all be all passion. Since I was 14 I have wanted to go FIDM, the fashion institute of design and merchandising. I wanted to study everything from styling, buying, designing bridal wear to designing shoes. Thirteen years later, and a few attempts later, I’m finally on the path to accomplish my dream. Most people have NO IDEA that fashion was ever a passion of mine, it’s my escape, my Neverland, so to speak. My sketchbooks are where I can be creative, kind of, and not think about anything but what my pencil and mind are creating. My dream is to design my wedding dress or my daughters, that would be an incredible achievement and something really special. When I was working at the winery I was introduced to the business side of things, I fell in love with marketing and wanted to know everything our marketing director was doing. We were going through a company change and the process of creating a new brand from an existing one and making a new “story” for the new brand was so fascinating. How are we going to take this product and make it new and fresh? So incredibly fascinating to me, especially in the wine industry. The wine industry I think is so much like the fashion industry. There are so many options out there, what are you going to do to make your product stand out from the rest. I could probably go one forever about this, so I’ll stop.

In June I went into my old emails to recover the contact information for my admissions advisor. I adore her and her enthusiasm, I knew I couldn’t do this process without her, again. Seeing her smiling face reassured me I was on the right path and the fact that she knew me so well. She knows my fears and insecurities and that I am constantly second guessing myself. This woman is the one pushing me and probably one of a handful of people that I don’t want to disappoint. Old habits are hard to break though, and mine are a pain in the butt. I think I’ve changed my final project two times now, as far as design go. There is so much riding on this, in my mind at least,  that I want it to be perfect. Though she is kindly reminding me that it doesn’t have to be perfect and what I have is great how it is, and to stop changing it. (insert monkey emoji covering it’s eyes). So, my goal is by Friday to have it submitted. Since I said I better hold myself accountable now.

Aside from working on my project I have also been trying to a lot better about what I am eating and working out. The past month and a half I have been slowly getting back into cutting out dairy and gluten, to an extent. My stomach and overall body has been feeling so much better. I started doing Zumba again, though it was only one class, I felt incredible afterwards. I’m hoping to work it back into my weekly routine of TRX, Spin, Yoga and my workouts I do in the gym on my own. I am also hoping to add Crossfit to all of that as well. But I’ll keep you all posted on that.

xoxo

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