Thoughts

May 15th, 2017 | Mother’s Day Reflections

One of the reasons I am a momma and get to celebrate and in a sense, be celebrated on Mother’s Day is because of Aurora. I am thankful to my first-born, first of her name, blood of my blood, breaker of chains, mother of…sorry (but not really).

Where do I begin really? I don’t think that it is any surprise how much I love my daughter and how appreciative I am that she is mine. She has brought so much joy and happiness to my life. I am thankful for Aurora, simply for herself and for choosing me as her mom. We were meant to be and it is as clear as day that our souls and hearts are VERY connected. We feel each other’s emotions and feed off of them. She changed my life even before she was in my arms. She changed my life the day that little screen showed two lines. It changed the day that I was told I was carrying a little girl. Without even knowing it she mended a piece of my heart that had been broken for so long. I feel complete when she is near. Aurora makes me laugh, cry, frustrated, laugh, smile, scared, did I mention she makes me laugh? I enjoy our adventures at Crossfit and going to Dutch Brothers and discussing her…admiration…of her boyfriend’s when we get back in the car. I love our time spent in our garden, even when I end up doing all the work because little girl wants to ride her scooter. Her enthusiasm to learn is contagious, whether its cooking, practicing spelling, or attempting to tie her shoes. I adore the fact that she is all about school and will take it upon herself to grab her workbooks and do her “homework”. She will go sit at her table and work at her numbers and alphabets and it makes my heart so happy. I hope she never loses that love, because I certainly did not love homework in any way when I was younger. All the mundane every day nonsense is so much more magical because she makes it that way. Driving in the car would be and is so much more boring without her singing and asking a million questions. I wish I slow down time so she didn’t have to grow up so fast. Now, Aurora is not perfect and I will always be the first to admit that. She definitely has her moments, but even in those moments I love her just the same. I know she’s not always going to listen to me, but as long as the lesson is learned and there’s no blood spilt or trips to the ER, again, we’re all good. I love that girl to infinity and beyond, she’s the Rory to my Loralei, the Moana to my Tefiti and the Tinkerbell to my Peter Pan. Off to Neverland we shall go sweet girl.

Being Aurora’s mom is a gift and she is a gift that I wouldn’t have if it wasn’t for my first love, her father. I wouldn’t be a mother without him. Now, I don’t ever write about Aurora’s dad and this will probably be the only time that I do. It is simply too hard for me and too emotional, and who likes feelings? Just kidding, of course everyone likes having feelings. There have never been the right words or enough words to describe the love I have for that man. Even through our hard times that pushed me to take a step back from us, I loved him with all my heart. He has been there for me and supported me in ways no one else did. No one loved me like he did and no one fought past my wall more than him. That’s my heart and soul right there (too bad it took me three years to have the strength to say that). Yesterday would have been our six-year wedding anniversary. (Oh, the rush of emotions that just came over). If it wasn’t for our love for one another Aurora would not be here. The world we live in would be a little less bright, I can’t even begin to imagine a world where she does exist. She was made from a love and friendship that we shared for one another. Kenny was my rock, my shoulder to cry on, my best friend and husband. I called him practically every day that we were apart, even when it had nothing to do with Aurora. For the past three year’s I would go see him at work and kept him in my life, because I also couldn’t imagine a world where he wasn’t in my life everyday. We would go do family outings and go to Disneyland, the one place I haven’t been able to go to just yet. That was our first trip together and a special place for us that we then shared with Aurora. When I think of Disneyland, I think of him. My heart was ready for us, but there was always that wall in the back of my mind. That stupid fucking wall (hate that wall). The trust wall, I was so afraid of getting hurt again but, there came the turning point where I didn’t care and I knew I’d take the bad days and fight through it, because he was always going to be worth walking on fire and through the storm for and he always will be. Where we are in life doesn’t change those feelings for me. I will always love him, there’s a place in my heart that is his, always. To say any different would be complete lie, and I’ve learned I have embrace that and not shy away frm that truth. He got me out of my dark places and gifted me with his love and with Aurora. There will no bigger mistake or greater lesson learned than to never wait or hold back. We shared so many beautiful years together and made one beautiful little girl. I will forever be grateful to him and admire his strength and love for our daughter. He gave me the greatest gift anyone could give me.

…to infinity and beyond, always.

Also, I wouldn’t even be on this earth if it wasn’t for my own mother, always fighting and being strong. To that I should thank her as well. My mom’s unconditional love is appreciated much more than I tell her. Which, I should probably work on that. She went through so much to have my siblings and I. Her emotional strength is unmatched and her love for is so strong. She is goals in so many ways and I hope to as good as mom to Aurora as she has been to us.

 

xoxo

 

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